[NY Times] Readers Answer Some of Pogue's Imponderables
I’m speaking on a Geek Cruise to the Panama Canal—tough job, but somebody’s got to do it—so I’ll be taking two weeks off from my column, blog and videos.
Internet access on the ship is via satellite, so it’s pricey and slow. But it’s certainly capable of transmitting a Word file, so I thought I’d nonetheless file an e-mail newsletter this week.

A couple of weeks ago, I sent you a list of some of life’s little questions that don’t seem to have good answers. Over 800 of you decided to take a stab at supplying answers. Some responses were snarky; some, academic; some, alarmingly pessimistic.

Here, culled from nytimes.com/pogue and my own e-mail Inbox, is a sampling.

* Why is Wi-Fi free at cheap hotels, but $14 a night at expensive ones?
–” Because the people that can afford to stay at expensive hotels are willing to pay for it. “[Many, many responses like this one.]
–”"No, the real question is: Why does the free Wi-Fi at the cheap hotels work perfectly 99% of the time, while the expensive hookup at the fancy digs usually fails on the first try?”

* What’s the real reason you have to turn off your laptop for takeoff?
–”So the laptops won’t go flying around if the plane stops abruptly during an aborted takeoff, and passengers won’t be distracted in case of an emergency evacuation.”
–”Security theatre: the illusion that the airlines are doing all they can to protect you from harm.”

* SmartDisplay, Spot Watch, U.M.P.C., Zune… when will Microsoft realize that it’s not a hardware company?
–”Microsoft does make some excellent hardware: keyboards and mice.”
–”The day after they close the XBox division.”

* Do shareware programmers pay taxes on all those $20 contributions?
–”Yes…in exactly the same proportion as people who voluntarily send in state sales tax at the end of the year for all their Internet mail-order purchases.”

* Do P.R. people really expect anyone to believe that the standard, stilted, second-paragraph C.E.O. quote was really uttered by a human being?
–”No. Some PR people are quite bright. Once they write a quote, however, it has to be vetted, edited, and changed by at least six stilted, brown-nosing vice presidents and/or product managers.”
–”It *wasn’t* uttered by a human being; that’s the way CEOs talk.”

* Why are there no federal rebates or tax credits for solar power?
–”There IS a Federal tax credit, which right now extends through 2008. It is capped at $2,000 for residential systems. Currently, the bill to extend the credits beyond 2008 is being debated. If you care about this issue, go to http://seia.org/itc.php, the website for the Solar Energy Industry Association, which is actively working for an eight-year extension of this tax credit, as well as removing the cap on the credit for residential systems.”
–”Because there are too many powerful, well-funded lobbyists promoting big-oil’s interests in Washington.”
–”The Feds are still trying to figure out how to tax the sun.”

* Laptops, cameras and cellphones have improved by a thousand percent in the last ten years. Why not their batteries?
–”Chemistry. Quoting John Hockenberry from a Wired magazine story: ‘Current can be altered by changing a battery’s size, but voltage is determined (and fixed) by the atomic makeup of the materials used. Those attributes, recorded in the good old periodic table of elements, were configured shortly after the big bang and are not subject to clever human modifications.’”

* Who are the morons who respond to junk-mail offers, thereby keeping spammers in business?
–”That would be my sister.”
–”My mother, O.K.? Now you know.”
–”Statistically speaking, half of ALL people are below-average intelligence. That fact can explain MANY things.”
–”Naive people, like recent immigrants; old people whose adult children just set them up with a computer for the first time; and the truly desperate who’ve already tried other methods of penis enlargement.”

* How come there are still no viruses for Mac OS X? If it has 6 percent of the market, shouldn’t it have 6 percent of the viruses?
–”It’s not that writing an Apple virus is particularly hard. It’s that writing a Windows virus is so easy. The holes are known, as are the methods of delivering payloads through them. The ‘200,000 viruses a year’ number is mostly just variations on exploiting the 5 ports that Microsoft left open in Windows XP by default.
In comparison, writing a Mac virus would require real work on the part of the hackers. This eliminates the Script Kiddies.”
–”The lack of viruses on a Mac isn’t because of a small market; creating a working virus on a Mac would be a major feat. Any virus maker would get instant recognition and accolades from his or her peers.
Rather, it’s that Mac OS X is from a Unix heritage, and Unix has been designed to safely share resources amongst a number of users.”
–”Now let’s stop talking about this before some sicko takes it as a challenge.”

* How come cellphone signal-strength bars are so often wrong?
–”Just to mess with you.”
–”Like the battery indicator, the signal strength on a cell phone is deliberately weighted toward the high end. I worked on a phone development project several years ago. When the first units went to the carrier for approval, their first request was to toss the perfectly calibrated battery indicator in favor of one that sat at 4 bars for around 75 percent of the charge.”

* Why don’t public sinks have foot pedals?
–”Because architects don’t consult moms.”
–”The sensor faucets work quite well, including for those in wheelchairs.”
–” Because moving your foot around under he sink could be misinterpreted as…well, you know. Somebody could be watching.”

* Why do you have to take tape camcorders out of your carry-on at airport security, but not the tapeless kind? Couldn’t you hide a bomb equally well in either one?
–”I was recently stopped at security for just this reason. The security person told me that people could place a bomb INSIDE the tape cartridge. I asked him why, if the tapes were the problem, we didn’t have to take all THOSE out. He said he didn’t know. Mind you, I was traveling with at LEAST 20 tapes on me. They saw them in the bag and proceeded to open up the camera, never touching the supposedly dangerous tapes.”


Best of all, a few of you submitted equally good High-Tech Imponderables. The floor is now open:
* Why can’t I order TV channels a la carte, so that I just pay for the ones I want?
* How come there are some music players that play FM radio, and iPod add-ons that play FM—but almost none that play AM radio?
* Why no Wi-Fi on Amtrak?
* Why do the signal-strength bars on my cellphone change when I’m standing still?
* When we are put on hold, we offered numerous options–”press 1 for sales,” etc. Why not an option to press for “Mute this annoying music,” or maybe to select different types of music?
* Why is there a Maximum Weight notice in an elevator, and what are we supposed to do about it? How are we supposed to know how much we collectively weigh?
* Why is the numeric keypad on a computer (7-8-9 at the top) upside-down from the numeric keypad on phones (1-2-3 on top)?
* Why do most public sinks have separate hot & cold faucets that you have to hold on with one hand while you try to wash the other? Why would anyone want either hot or cold water for washing? A single warm-water faucet would be cheaper and make more sense.
* Why aren’t elevator buttons double action? Press once to go to floor, press again to cancel. It would save all those “OOPS!–”I hit the wrong button” moments.

See you when I’m back on land in a couple of weeks!


New York Times's Pogue's Posts
November 8, 2007
by GGFJH | 2007/12/13 03:03 | English | 트랙백(1) | 덧글(0)
[NY Times] Pogue's Imponderables

As a tech writer, I’m in the business of providing answers. Sometimes people ask me questions one at a time (”What camera should I buy?”), and sometimes the substance of the question is implied because I have a tech column (”What’s new?”).

But I’ve got a lot of questions, too—a lot of them that I don’t have answers for. In fact, I’ve been keeping a little list.

Some of them are answerless because nobody knows the answer. Some may have answers, but only industry insiders know what they are. And still others are answerless because they’re incendiary hot-button issues, and there’s no consensus.
I thought: What better way to find the answers than to lay out my list for the reading public?
So here they are: Pogue’s Imponderables.
* Why is Wi-Fi free at cheap hotels, but $14 a night at expensive ones?
* What happens to software programs when their publishers go out of business?
* Would the record companies sell more music online if it weren’t copy-protected?
* Do cellphones cause brain cancer?
* What’s the real reason you have to turn off your laptop for takeoff?
* Why can’t a digital S.L.R. camera record video?
* Wi-Fi on airplanes. What’s taking so long?
* Who are the morons who respond to junk-mail offers, thereby keeping spammers in business?
* I’m told that they could make a shirt-pocket digital camera that takes pictures like an S.L.R., but it would cost a lot. So why don’t they make one for people who can afford it?
* How come there are still no viruses for Mac OS X? If it has 6 percent of the market, shouldn’t it have 6 percent of the viruses?
* Do shareware programmers pay taxes on all those $20 contributions?
* How are we going to preserve all of our digital photos and videos for future generations?
* Why are there no federal rebates or tax credits for solar power? [UPDATE: Evidently there is a small federal rebate, but it expires in December.]
* Why do you have to take tape camcorders out of your carry-on at airport security, but not the tapeless kind? Couldn’t you hide a bomb equally well in either one? (Actually, I have about 500 more logic questions about the rules at airport security, but I have a feeling they’ll remain answerless for a very long time.)
* Laptops, cameras and cellphones have improved by a thousand percent in the last ten years. Why not their batteries?
* SmartDisplay, Spot Watch, U.M.P.C., Zune… when will Microsoft realize that it’s not a hardware company?
* Why don’t public sinks have foot pedals?
* Why don’t all hotels have check-in kiosks like airlines do?
* Five billion dollars a year spent on ringtones? What the?
* How come cellphone signal-strength bars are so often wrong?
* Do P.R. people really expect anyone to believe that the standard, stilted, second-paragraph C.E.O. quote was really uttered by a human being?
* Why aren’t there recycling bins for bottles and cans where they’re most obviously needed, like food courts and cafeterias?
* Why doesn’t someone start a cellphone company that bills you only for what you use? That model works O.K. for the electricity, gas and water companies —and people would beat a path to its door. [And I don’t mean prepaid phones, where once again you’re paying for calls you haven’t even made yet.]
* Why doesn’t everyone have lights that turn off automatically when the room is empty?
* What’s the deal with Palm?
* Why are so many people rude on the Internet?
If you know the answers, by all means—fill us in at nytimes.com/pogue.

New York Times's Pogue's Posts
October 18, 2007


....

New York Times의 여러 feature들을 요즘 email로 정기구독을 해놨다 ㅎㅎ
그중 하나가 바로 이 Pogue's Posts.
얼마 전에 이메일로 받곤 정말 재밌어 하던 포스트다 ㅎㅎㅎㅎ
이것 다음 포스트, Pogue's Imponderables의 답 포스트도 정말 재미있었!!!
by GGFJH | 2007/12/13 02:59 | English | 트랙백(1) | 덧글(0)
[YALE] Commencement (Class Day) Address

Class Day Address

Fareed Zakaria
Fareed Zakaria

by Fareed Zakaria
May 27, 2007

I have a confession to make. Actually, it’s a terrible and embarrassing confession: I actually missed my own Class Day. I don’t know exactly how or why; I think it had to do with an extended celebration the night before at an establishment called Whistler’s out on Chapel Street which is, alas, long gone. I wasn’t sure whether to bring this up because it is terribly embarrassing, but there it is. I slept through the whole damn thing. But, hey, look at the bright side; I’m wide awake now and ready for this one.

I’m guessing now that the senior class officials who invited me here are having some second thoughts. I’m sure that there was some concern anyway. I mean, Harvard gets Bill Clinton and you get me. When the Daily News reported that I was going to be the class speaker, it detailed the campus reaction in the usual way that we journalists do: using a thorough scientific survey, probably interviewing at least six students. And it came to the following conclusion: While most students said they expected Zakaria to deliver an interesting speech, some said other public figures who could deliver more lively talks would have been better choices. Daniella Berman, Class of ’07 — hi, Daniella — said that a figure that was not so heavily involved in politics might be able to keep the class more entertained. And that’s what they said on the record. The world of blogs really gives you the candid reactions. On ivygateblog.com one of the quotes by Yalie ’09 said that “Fareed Zakaria is definitely low-hanging fruit, considering that he is a member of the Yale Corporation. Y ’07 agreed: “Having a Yale Corporation member as Class Day speaker,” he wrote, “is like talking about your backpack on show-and-tell day because you forgot to bring something more interesting. It has zippers and two pockets,” he wrote.

So I stand before you today with no backpack and a small measure of anxiety. I’m actually anxious not so much about entertaining you but about this whole business of dispensing advice. Frankly, I think I’m too young for that. You know, I think there’s a point in your life when you cross over into the world of advice-giving. Woody Allen captures this very well in a movie of his called “Radio Days.” It’s set in the ’40s, and a mother is telling her son to stop listening to the radio because it’s going to ruin his life. This was when Cole Porter was thought to be bad for your morals. The son says, “But Mom, you listen to the radio all day.” She snaps back immediately: “That’s different. Our lives are ruined already.”

I’m not sure I’m quite there yet. But I have gotten a lot better at giving advice, ever since I’ve had kids. In fact, my wife Paula and my two kids, Omar and Lila, seven and four, are here with me today. See, I’ve discovered that parenthood is a unique opportunity to dispense a steady stream of unsolicited advice to a captive audience. For the parents in the audience, I know it gets more difficult as they grow up. I’m just savoring these moments.

You know, I’ve often lectured my kids that at their age, Abraham Lincoln walked nine miles each way to school every day. They have been nice enough not to point out that at my age John F. Kennedy was president.

So I guess what I’m saying is that I’m trying to speak to you now not as someone from a distant past importing words of wisdom but as a fellow journeyman, traveling together into this new world and new age that we live in. Many people describe the world you are going into as scary, calling it “The Age of Terror” or “The Age of Jihad.” And it’s true; these have been tense times. While you have been happily ensconced in Yale, political turmoil has swept the globe. The attacks of 9/11 have been followed by bombings in Bali, Casablanca, Istanbul, Riyadh, Madrid, London. We are engaged in two wars, in Afghanistan and Iraq. Then you have the deadlock in Palestine; Iran’s nuclear ambitions; North Korea’s growing nuclear arsenal; Venezuela and Russia’s growing assertiveness.

But underneath all this, there is another deeper and much more hopeful reality. Consider this simple fact. Over the last five years, while you have happily been ensconced at Yale, the world has grown economically at a faster pace than at any time in four decades. The average income of a person in the world has grown faster in these five years than at any point in recorded human history. Markets are supposed to be smart. Why are they telling us that this political turmoil doesn’t matter? Perhaps it is because that the current era of globalization is more powerful, more resilient and more long-lasting than many think. We are living through something practically unique today: simultaneous growth in every part of the world. The United States is doing well, Europe is doing well, Japan is doing well, but so are China, India, Brazil, Turkey, South Africa, Kenya, and on and on and on. The rise of these once poor, once stagnant, once Third World countries is powering the new global order, not simply economically, but socially and politically as well. It is world in which for the first time, everyone feels that they have a chance at being a player.

Now what does this mean for you? It means that thanks to Chinese and Indian companies that have kept prices of goods and services low, which has kept inflation low, which has kept interest rates low, your parents were able to take out affordable second mortgages and put you through the hell that is Yale College tuition.

But, you know, many people are very scared by this new age. They fear that America will not be able to compete with 2.3 billion hungry and hardworking Chinese and Indians; they fear that we are falling behind in science and technology, that we are becoming fat and lazy. Jeff Immelt, the CEO of General Electric, said more people will graduate in the United States with a sports exercise degree than an electrical engineering degree. So if we want to be the massage capital of the world, we’re well on our way.

I do not share this pessimism. This new era of globalization has been accelerating furiously for the past 20 years, and the United States has benefited enormously. Over the past two decades, America has grown faster than any industrial country in the world. In 1980, the U.S. made up 20 percent of world economic output. Today, that has risen to 29 percent. Year after year, the United States is ranked as the most competitive economy in the world or in the top five. It is usually first in technology and innovation. The situation with regard to higher education is dramatic. In recent rankings of the world’s top 20 universities, 18 are in America. A list of where the world’s thousand best computer scientists were educated shows that the top 10 schools were all American. Don’t worry, Yale is on both lists.

Other countries teach students how to take tests. The best American universities teach students how to think and how to solve problems, and those are much more lasting traits to be teaching in today’s world. So America remains in an enviable position, but the world is catching up. The new challenges are formidable, more so than ever before, and I have my list of specific programs and proposals to fix our problems — don’t worry, you’re not going to get them now.

But perhaps the most important thing for the United States to do is to nurture what has been our greatest strength: staying open. What is distinctive about the United States is not its ingenious government programs. It is that America keeps itself open, wide open to the world, letting in goods and services, commerce and culture, ideas and inventions, and perhaps most important, people. This openness has allowed us to develop fast and flexibly as an economy, to manage change and diversity as a society, and to push new boundaries of individual freedom and personal autonomy. For 100 years, America has invented the future, and we are even now inventing the first universal nation, made of different races, castes, creeds and religions, with a bewildering array of strange names and backgrounds, like mine. Look at the presidential field right now. You have as serious contenders for the U.S. presidency a woman, an African-American, a Hispanic, a Mormon and a Catholic. Joe Lieberman should get into the race just to complete this mosaic.

If you want to ask yourself what is America’s core competitive strength: We take in more immigrants every year than the rest of the world put together. And that is why the United States is the only industrialized country in the world that will not experience a decline in its workforce in the coming decades. And we assimilate these people into society better than any country in the world. And it is their incredible energy and hunger, from the brilliant engineer to the hardworking busboy, that enriches us and ennobles us, and makes us sure that the United States will not suffer the fate of other great and rich countries — which is it will never grow fat and lazy.

Over these last decades, we have stayed open, politically, culturally, economically. Dangerously open by some people’s estimation. But look at the result. We have become incredibly strong and vibrant, even as other countries have faced economic rigidities, demographic decline and cultural despair. We should be proud of this new world we have built; it is one that America has worked to build for decades. But now that other countries near and far are following America’s lead, it would be a tragedy and an irony if as the world was opening up, we — out of fear and nervousness and insecurity — began closing down.

Now, the task of every journalist is to make a heroic generalization from his own personal experience to the world at large. So I am going to explain to you how everything I’ve been telling you is rooted in my own personal experience. And this motto of staying open applies to countries and to people. I grew up 8,000 miles away in a very different country and culture, with very different expectations. Simply put, if you did well in school in India, you were meant to be an engineer. I specialized in science for the last two years of high school, and my first year at Yale I took a bunch of science courses. But I began to realize that what I really loved to do was to read newspapers and magazines and listen to my parents talk about current affairs and be immersed in their lives about it. So I moved from being a geek to becoming a wonk. Then I didn’t plan to be a journalist. I was finishing up my Ph.D. at an adequate university in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and I was preparing to apply for academic jobs. A friend suggest that I should take a job in journalism, or apply for one, at a place called Foreign Affairs, a quasi-academic journal, so it seemed safe. I first said no, I wasn’t interested. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had been practicing journalism, and loving it, since high school. So I called the guy back. Years later, I got an offer from Newsweek. Now this time, I couldn’t pretend there was anything vaguely academic about Newsweek. And so I thought about it, realized I truly liked the people who worked there, and decided to make a jump into mass-circulation journalism. That led to television a few years later, which I also gingerly embraced. These turned out to be the best decisions in my life because I now realized that what I truly loved about the field of study I’ve always loved was the opportunity to help the average educated citizen make sense of the world. I find that a broad audience of smart, busy people brings out the best in me as a writer and a thinker.

People will tell you constantly this week: Do what you love. Except that I didn’t really know what I loved. I recognized my passion by watching myself, watching what I was doing with my time, and staying open to what was giving me joy and energy and being willing to move in that direction.

So if I have any lesson from my career, it is to stay open to that kind of exploration and discovery. And I don’t mean that just in a professional sense. I mean that personally too. Don’t block off the unfamiliar. Stay open to new people, new ideas, new experiences, new possibilities, new cultures, new ways of doing things, and you will grow, in your mind and in your heart. These new things may come from anywhere: from a professor, a poem, a child, a colleague, a New York cab driver. Yeah, even that guy, who had the energy and ambition to travel 6,000 miles, and is working 16-hour days and knows two languages — well, three if you count English — he has something to teach you. You can learn something from anyone.

It is easier to stick with the road well traveled and to close yourself off to something that is strange or unsettling. It may even be the right path for you. But stay open to the possibilities out there. For countries and for people: stay open, and you will grow stronger and more resilient.

Finally … you know somebody once said to me, about halfway through your speech, say ‘finally, it wakes the audience right up … but I am actually winding down. Let me say that I wish I could give you some specific and concrete advice about what to do to succeed in life. But I don’t really know whether nanotechnology or biotechnology is the industry of the future, whether you should work for hedge funds or venture capitalists, whether mobile telephony is a wave of the future or a passing novelty. But what I do know is this: If you want to make a good life, human beings will probably respect and reward those talents that they have always honored — intelligence and hard work, discipline and cooperation, honesty and courage, and perhaps above all, love and faith and hope. If you can embrace these qualities of mind and spirit, people will honor you as they have honored men and women for thousands of years. That’s what they built statutes for in the past, and that is what they will build statues for in the future — well, nobody builds statues anymore, they make weird abstract contortions of metal and steel with strange doodads hanging from them, but you get my point.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Class of 2007: Congratulations, best of luck and Godspeed.



....

아주아주 오래간만에 업데이트 =)
ㅎㅎ지난 6월, 여러 학교들의 Commencement Address들을 찾아봤었는데.
그때 올려야지- 했던게, 으흠 반년이 지났다 -0- 크크.
나도 참. 대단한 procrastinator야 정말이지 -_-
2006년의 Follow Your Bliss를 생각하다, 갑자기 생각나서. 바로 찾아서 올린다 ^^;
==

ensconced, gingerly
ㅎㅎ한국 사람들은 절대로 안 쓸 표현들-0-

Massage capital of the world ㅋㅋ
adequate university in Cambridge, Massachusetts.. Harvard?! ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

아아 역시 Yalie!
말빨 최고야 ㅋㅋ

by GGFJH | 2007/12/13 02:23 | English | 트랙백(1) | 덧글(0)
....
ㅎㅎ한번씩,
심심하면.
이러고 놉니다 지지는_-_a
크하하핫~
by GGFJH | 2007/07/03 17:02 | GG's thoughts | 트랙백 | 덧글(3)
문법. 시제.


....
by GGFJH | 2007/07/03 17:00 | English | 트랙백 | 덧글(2)
Si tu no estás aquí
No quiero estar sin tí
si tú no estás aquí me sobra el aire
No quiero estar así
si tú no estás la gente se hace nadie
Si tú no estás aquí, no sé
que diablos hago amándote
Si tú no estás aquí sabrás
que Dios no va a entender
porqué te vas.
No quiero estar sin tí
si tu no estás aquí me falta el sueño
no quiero andar así
latiendo un corazón de amor sin dueño
Si tú no estás aquí, no sé
que diablos hago amándote
Si tú no estás aquí sabrás
que Dios no va a entender
porque te vas.
Derramaré mis sueños si algún día no te tengo
lo más grande se hará lo más pequeño
Pasearé en un cielo sin estrellas esta vez
tratando de entender quién hizo
un infierno el paraiso
no te vayas nunca, porque no puedo estar sin tí
si tú no estás aquí, me quema el aire.
Si tú no estás aquí, no sé
que diablos hago amándote
si tú no estás aquí sabrás
que Dios no va a entender
porqué te vas.
Si tu no estás aquí.

Rosana


한줄 한줄.의 의미는 기억안나지만-0- (노래 전체가 대략 무슨소린진 안다 ㅋ)
발음-_-;;을 다 외워버린 노래. 너무너무 좋아하는 노래 중 하나..

궁금한 사람은. 내 싸이 오셈 ㅋ
제일 첫번째로 나오는 노래.
트랙백의 첫번째 동영상 앞부분이기도 하고.
by GGFJH | 2007/06/17 18:55 | Español | 트랙백 | 덧글(4)
Espanol

(1년도 훨 지난) 제일 처음부터 Français라는 category를 만들어놓고.
지금까지 글 하나 안 올려놓구선 -ㅠ-

갑자기 삘 받아서 (Read: 하기싫은 일이 많아서)
Espanol이란 category까지 만들어버렸삼 =0=


이번학기에 갑자기.
Spanish도 좀 땡겨서 말야 흐흐.

불어도 잘 못하면서 -_-
불어보다 priority가 뒤쪽이면서 -_-
그런데도 살짝 piqued 되고 있는 호기심;;;



Let's see how long it lasts 푸하하~


==


그나저나.
최근에 French keyboard 설정을 한 관계로.
category의 "Francais"도 "Français"로 바꿨는데 -_-v
n위에 ~ 있는건 못 찾겠다 =0=
그렇다고 Spanish keyboard 설정까지 하긴 싫은데 -ㅠ-;;;;;;

--

후후. 웹으로 찾아서 copy/paste -_-v

by GGFJH | 2007/06/17 18:51 | Español | 트랙백 | 덧글(0)
[The New Yorker] Memento Mori
When gifts come back to haunt you.


For the past ten years or so, I’ve made it a habit to carry a small notebook in my front pocket. The model I favor is called the Europa, and I pull it out an average of ten times a day, jotting down grocery lists, observations, and little thoughts on how to make money, or torment people. The last page is always reserved for phone numbers, and the second to last I use for gift ideas. These are not things I might give to other people, but things that they might give to me: a shoehorn, for instance—always wanted one. The same goes for a pencil case, which, on the low end, probably costs no more than a doughnut.

I’ve also got ideas in the five-hundred-to-two-thousand-dollar range, though those tend to be more specific. This nineteenth-century portrait of a dog, for example. I’m not what you’d call a dog person, far from it, but this particular one—a whippet, I think—had alarmingly big nipples, huge, like bolts screwed halfway into her belly. More interesting was that she seemed aware of it. You could see it in her eyes as she turned to face the painter. “Oh, not now,” she appeared to be saying. “Have you no decency?”

I saw the portrait at the Portobello Road market in London, and though I petitioned, hard, for months, nobody bought it for me. I even tried initiating a pool, and offered to throw in a few hundred dollars of my own money, but still no one bit. In the end I gave the money to my boyfriend, Hugh, and had him buy it. Then I had him wrap it up, and offer it to me.

“What’s this for?” I asked.

And following the script he said, “Do I need a reason to give you a present?”

Then I said, “Awwwww.”

It never works the other way round, though. Ask Hugh what he wants for Christmas or his birthday and he’ll answer saying, “You tell me.”

“Well, isn’t there something you’ve had your eye on?”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

Hugh thinks that lists are the easy way out, and says that if I really knew him I wouldn’t have to ask what he wanted. It’s not enough to search the shops; I have to search his soul as well. He turns gift-giving into a test, which I don’t think is fair at all. Were I the type to run out at the last minute, he might have a valid complaint, but I start my shopping months in advance. Plus I pay attention. If, say, in the middle of the summer, Hugh should mention that he’d like an electric fan, I’ll buy it that very day, and hide it in my gift cupboard. Come Christmas morning, he’ll open his present, and frown at it for a while before I say, “Don’t you remember? You said you were burning up, and would give anything for a little relief.”

That’s just a practical gift, though, a stocking stuffer. His main present is what I’m really after, and, knowing this, he offers no help whatsoever. Or, rather, he used to offer no help. It wasn’t until last year that he finally dropped a hint, and even then it was fairly cryptic. “Go out the front door, and turn right,” he said. “Then take a left and keep walking.”

He did not say “Stop before you reach the boulevard,” or “When you come to the Czech border you’ll know you’ve gone too far,” but he didn’t need to. I knew what he was talking about the moment I saw it. It was a human skeleton, the genuine article, hanging in the window of a medical bookstore. Hugh’s old drawing teacher used to have one, and though it had been ten years since he’d taken the woman’s class, I could suddenly recall him talking about it. “If I had a skeleton like Minerva’s …” he used to say. I don’t remember the rest of the sentence, as I’d always been sidetracked by the teacher’s name, Minerva. Sounds like a witch.

There are things that one enjoys buying, and things that one doesn’t. Electronic equipment, for example—I hate shopping for stuff like that, no matter how happy it will make the recipient. I feel the same about gift certificates, and books about golf or investment strategies or how to lose twelve pounds by being yourself. I thought I would enjoy buying a human skeleton, but, looking through the shop window, I felt a familiar tug of disappointment. This had nothing to do with any moral considerations. I was fine with buying someone who’d been dead for a while; I just didn’t want to have to wrap him. Finding a box would be a pain, and then there’d be the paper, which would have to be attached in strips because no one sells rolls that wide. Between one thing and another, I was almost relieved when told that the skeleton was not for sale. “He’s our mascot,” the store manager said. “We couldn’t possibly get rid of him.”

In America this translates to “Make me an offer,” but in France people really mean it. There are shops in Paris where nothing is for sale, no matter how hard you beg. I think people get lonely. Their apartments become full, and, rather than rent a storage space, they take over a boutique. Then they sit there in the middle of it, gloating over their fine taste.

Being told that I couldn’t buy a skeleton was just what I needed to make me really want one. Maybe that was the problem all along—it was too easy: “Take a right, take a left, and keep walking.” It took the hunt out of it.

“Do you know anyone who will sell me their skeleton?” I asked, and the manager thought for a while. “Well,” she said, “I guess you could try looking on bulletin boards.”

I don’t know what circles this woman runs in, but I have never in my life seen a skeleton advertised on a bulletin board. Used bicycles, yes, but no human bones, or even cartilage, for that matter.

“Thank you for your help,” I said.

Because I have nothing better to do with my time than shop, I tend to get excited when someone wants something obscure: an out-of-print novel, a replacement for a shattered teacup. I thought that finding another skeleton would prove difficult, but I came across two more that very afternoon—one a full-grown male and the other a newborn baby. Both were at the flea market, offered by a man who specializes in what he calls “the sorts of things that are not for everyone.”
The baby was tempting because of its size—I could have wrapped it in a shoebox—but, ultimately, I went for the adult, which is three hundred years old and held together by a network of fine wires. There’s a latch in the center of the forehead, and removing the linchpin allows you to open the skull and either root around or hide things—drugs, say, or small pieces of jewelry. It’s not what one hopes for when thinking about an afterlife (“I’d like for my head to be used as a stash box”), but I didn’t let that bother me. I bought the skeleton the same way I buy most everything. It was just an arrangement of parts to me, no different from a lamp or a chest of drawers.

I didn’t think of it as a former person until Christmas Day, when Hugh opened the cardboard coffin. “If you don’t like the color we can bleach it,” I said. “Either that or exchange it for the baby.”

I always like to offer a few alternatives, though in this case they were completely unnecessary. Hugh was beside himself—couldn’t have been happier. I assumed he’d be using the skeleton as a model, and was a little put off when, instead of taking it to his basement studio, he carried it into the bedroom, and hung it from the ceiling.

“Are you sure about this?” I asked.

The following morning, I reached under the bed for a discarded sock and found what I thought was a three-tiered earring. It looked like something you’d get at a crafts fair, not pretty, but definitely handmade, fashioned from what looked like petrified wood. I was just holding it to the side of my head when I thought, Hang on, this is an index finger. It must have fallen off while Hugh was hanging the skeleton. Then he or I or possibly his mother, who was in town for the holidays, accidentally kicked it under the bed.

I don’t think of myself as overly prissy, but it bothered me to find a finger on my bedroom floor. “If this thing is going to start shedding parts, you really should put it down in your studio,” I said to Hugh, who told me that it was his present and he’d keep it wherever he wanted to. Then he got out some wire and reattached the missing finger.

It’s the things you don’t buy that stay with you the longest. This portrait of an unknown woman, for instance. I saw it a few years ago in Rotterdam, and, rather than following my instincts, I told the dealer that I’d think about it. The next day, I returned, and it was gone, sold, which is maybe for the best. Had I bought it myself, the painting would have gone on the wall of my office. I’d have admired it for a week or two, and then, little by little, it would have become invisible, just like the portrait of the dog. I wanted it, I wanted it, I wanted it, but the moment it was mine it ceased to interest me. I no longer see the shame-filled eyes or the oversized nipples, but I do see the unknown woman, her ruddy, pious face, and the lace collar that hugged her neck like an air filter.
As the days pass, I keep hoping that the skeleton will become invisible, but he hasn’t. Dangling between the dresser and the bedroom door, he is the last thing I see before falling asleep, and the first thing I see in the morning.

It’s funny how certain objects convey a message—my washer and dryer, for example. They can’t speak, of course, but whenever I pass them they remind me that I’m doing fairly well. “No more laundromat for you,” they hum. My stove, a downer, tells me every day that I can’t cook, and before I can defend myself my scale jumps in, shouting from the bathroom, “Well, he must be doing something—my numbers is off the charts.” The skeleton has a much more limited vocabulary, and says only one thing: “You are going to die.”

I’d always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call “understanding” is basically just fantasizing. I think about death all the time, but only in a romantic, self-serving way, beginning, most often, with my tragic illness, and ending with my funeral. I see my brother squatting beside my grave, so racked with guilt he’s unable to stand. “If only I’d paid him back that twenty-five thousand dollars I borrowed,” he says. I see Hugh, drying his eyes on the sleeve of his suit jacket, then crying even harder when he remembers I bought it for him. What I didn’t see were all the people who might celebrate my death, but that’s all changed with the skeleton, who assumes features at will.

One moment he’s an elderly Frenchwoman, the one I didn’t give my seat to on the bus. In my book, if you want to be treated like an old person, you have to look like one. That means no face-lift, no blond hair, and definitely no fishnet stockings. I think it’s a perfectly valid rule, but it wouldn’t have killed me to take her crutches into consideration.

“I’m sorry,” I say, but before the words are out of my mouth the skeleton has morphed into a guy named Stew, who I shorted in a drug deal.

Stew and the Frenchwoman will be happy to see me go, and there are hundreds more in line behind them, some whom I can name, and others whom I managed to hurt and insult without a formal introduction. I hadn’t thought of these people in years, but that’s the skeleton’s cleverness. He gets into my head when I’m asleep, and picks through the muck at the bottom of my skull. “Why me?” I ask. “Hugh is lying in the very same bed—how come you don’t go after him?”

And the skeleton says, “You are going to die.”

“But I’m the one who found your finger.”

“You are going to die.”

I said to Hugh, “Are you sure you wouldn’t be happier with the baby?”

For the first few weeks, I heard the voice only when I was in the bedroom. Then it spread and took over the entire apartment. I’ll be sitting in my office, gossiping on the telephone, and the skeleton will cut in, sounding like an international operator. “You are going to die.”

I stretch out in the bathtub, soaking in fragrant oils while outside my window beggars are gathered like kittens upon the heating grates.

“You are going to die.”

In the kitchen, I throw away a perfectly good egg. In the closet, I put on a sweater that some half-blind child was paid ten sesame seeds to make. In the living room, I take out my notebook, and add a bust of Satan to the list of gifts I should like to receive.

“You are going to die. You are going to die. You are going to die.”

“Do you think you could alter that just a little?” I asked.

But he wouldn’t.

Having been dead for three hundred years, there’s a lot the skeleton doesn’t understand; TV, for instance. “See,” I told him, “you just push this button and entertainment comes into your home.” He seemed impressed, and so I took it a step further: “I invented it myself, to bring comfort to the old and sick.”

“You are going to die.”

He was the same with the vacuum cleaner, even after I used the nozzle attachment to dust his skull. “You are going to die.”

And that’s when I broke down. “I’ll do anything you like,” I said. “I’ll make amends to the people I’ve hurt, I’ll bathe in rainwater, you name it, just please say something, anything else.”

The skeleton hesitated a moment. “You are going to be dead … someday,” he told me.

And I put away the vacuum cleaner, thinking, Well, that’s a start.




David Sedaris

May 8, 2006
by GGFJH | 2007/03/19 20:23 | English | 트랙백 | 덧글(0)
[The New Yorker] What I Learned
And what I said at Princeton.


It’s been interesting to walk around campus this afternoon, as when I went to Princeton things were completely different. This chapel, for instance—I remember when it was just a clearing, cordoned off with sharp sticks. Prayer was compulsory back then, and you couldn’t just fake it by moving your lips; you had to know the words, and really mean them. I’m dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshipped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one right here, on the Adam’s apple. None of us ever met him, but word had it that he might appear at any moment, so we were always at the ready. Whatever you do, don’t look at his neck, I used to tell myself.

It’s funny now, but I thought about it a lot. Some people thought about it a little too much, and it really affected their academic performance. Again, I date myself, but back then we were on a pass-fail system. If you passed, you got to live, and if you failed you were burned alive on a pyre that’s now the Transgender Studies Building. Following the first grading period, the air was so thick with smoke you could barely find your way across campus. There were those who said that it smelled like meat, no different from a barbecue, but I could tell the difference. I mean, really. Since when do you grill hair? Or those ugly, chunky shoes we all used to wear?

It kept you on your toes, though, I’ll say that much. If I’d been burned alive because of bad grades, my parents would have killed me, especially my father, who meant well but was just a little too gung ho for my taste. He had the whole outfit: Princeton breastplate, Princeton nightcap; he even got the velvet cape with the tiger head hanging like a rucksack from between the shoulder blades. In those days, the mascot was a sabretooth, so you can imagine how silly it looked, and how painful it was to sit down. Then, there was his wagon, completely covered with decals and bumper stickers: “I hold my horses for Ivy League schools,” “My son was accepted at the best university in the United States and all I got was a bill for a hundred and sixty-eight thousand dollars.” On and on, which was just so … wrong.

One of the things they did back then was start you off with a modesty seminar, an eight-hour session that all the freshmen had to sit through. It might be different today, but in my time it took the form of a role-playing exercise, my classmates and I pretending to be graduates, and the teacher assuming the part of an average citizen: the soldier, the bloodletter, the whore with a heart of gold.

“Tell me, young man. Did you attend a university of higher learning?”

To anyone holding a tool or a weapon, we were trained to respond, “What? Me go to college?” If, on the other hand, the character held a degree, you were allowed to say, “Sort of,” or, sometimes, “I think so.”

“So where do you sort of think you went?”

And it was the next bit that you had to get just right. Inflection was everything, and it took the foreign students forever to master it.

“Where do you sort of think you went?”

And we’d say, “Umm, Princeton?”—as if it were an oral exam, and we weren’t quite sure that this was the correct answer.

“Princeton, my goodness,” the teacher would say. “That must have been quite something!”

You had to let him get it out, but once he started in on how brilliant and committed you must be it was time to hold up your hands, saying, “Oh, it isn’t that hard to get into.”

Then he’d say, “Really? But I heard—”

“Wrong,” you’d tell him. “You heard wrong. It’s not that great of a school.”

This was the way it had to be done—you had to play it down, which wasn’t easy when your dad was out there, reading your acceptance letter into a bullhorn.

I needed to temper my dad’s enthusiasm a bit, and so I announced that I would be majoring in patricide. The Princeton program was very strong back then, the best in the country, but it wasn’t the sort of thing your father could get too worked up about. Or, at least, most fathers wouldn’t. Mine was over the moon. “Killed by a Princeton graduate!” he said. “And my own son, no less.”

My mom was actually jealous. “So what’s wrong with matricide?” she asked. “What, I’m not good enough to murder?”

They started bickering, so in order to make peace I promised to consider a double major.

“And how much more is that going to cost us?” they said.

Those last few months at home were pretty tough, but then I started my freshman year, and got caught up in the life of the mind. My idol-worship class was the best, but my dad didn’t get it. “What the hell does that have to do with patricide?” he asked.

And I said, “Umm. Everything?”

He didn’t understand that it’s all connected, that one subject leads to another and forms a kind of chain that raises its head and nods like a cobra when you’re sucking on a bong after three days of no sleep. On acid it’s even wilder, and appears to eat things. But, not having gone to college, my dad had no concept of a well-rounded liberal-arts education. He thought that all my classes should be murder-related, with no lunch breaks or anything. Fortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

In truth, I had no idea what I wanted to study, so for the first few years I took everything that came my way. I enjoyed pillaging and astrology, but the thing that ultimately stuck was comparative literature. There wasn’t much of it to compare back then, no more than a handful of epic poems and one novel about a lady detective, but that’s part of what I liked about it. The field was new, and full of possibilities, but try telling that to my parents.

“You mean you won’t be killing us?” my mother said. “But I told everyone you were going for that double major.”

Dad followed his “I’m so disappointed” speech with a lecture on career opportunities. “You’re going to study literature and get a job doing what?” he said. “Literaturizing?”

We spent my entire vacation arguing; then, just before I went back to school, my father approached me in my bedroom. “Promise me you’ll keep an open mind,” he said. And, as he left, he slipped an engraved dagger into my book bag.

I had many fine teachers during my years at Princeton, but the one I think of most often was my fortune-telling professor—a complete hag with wild gray hair, warts the size of new potatoes, the whole nine yards. She taught us to forecast the weather up to two weeks in advance, but ask her for anything weightier and you were likely to be disappointed.

The alchemy majors wanted to know how much money they’d be making after graduation. “Just give us an approximate figure,” they’d say, and the professor would shake her head and cover her crystal ball with a little cozy given to her by one of her previous classes. When it came to our futures, she drew the line, no matter how hard we begged—and, I mean, we really tried. I was as let down as the next guy, but, in retrospect, I can see that she acted in our best interests. Look at yourself on the day that you graduated from college, then look at yourself today. I did that recently, and it was, like, “What the hell happened?”

The answer, of course, is life. What the hag chose not to foretell—and what we, in our certainty, could not have fathomed—is that stuff comes up. Weird doors open. People fall into things. Maybe the engineering whiz will wind up brewing cider, not because he has to but because he finds it challenging. Who knows? Maybe the athlete will bring peace to all nations, or the class moron will go on to become the President of the United States—though that’s more likely to happen at Harvard or Yale, schools that will pretty much let in anybody.

There were those who left Princeton and soared like arrows into the bosoms of power and finance, but I was not one of them. My path was a winding one, with plenty of obstacles along the way. When school was finished, I went back home, an Ivy League graduate with four years’ worth of dirty laundry and his whole life ahead of him. “What are you going to do now?” my parents asked.

And I said, “Well, I was thinking of washing some of these underpants.”

That took six months. Then I moved on to the shirts.

“Now what?” my parents asked.

And, when I told them I didn’t know, they lost what little patience they had left. “What kind of a community-college answer is that?” my mother said. “You went to the best school there is—how can you not know something?”

And I said, “I don’t know.”

In time, my father stopped wearing his Princeton gear. My mother stopped talking about my “potential,” and she and my dad got themselves a brown-and-white puppy. In terms of intelligence, it was just average, but they couldn’t see that at all. “Aren’t you just the smartest dog in the world?” they’d ask, and the puppy would shake their hands just like I used to do.

My first alumni weekend cheered me up a bit. It was nice to know that I wasn’t the only unemployed graduate in the world, but the warm feeling evaporated when I got back home and saw that my parents had given the dog my bedroom. In place of the Princeton pennant they’d bought for my first birthday was a banner reading, “Westminster or bust.”

I could see which way the wind was blowing, and so I left, and moved to the city, where a former classmate, a philosophy major, got me a job on his rag-picking crew. When the industry moved overseas—this the doing of another former classmate—I stayed put, and eventually found work skinning hides for a ratcatcher, a thin, serious man with the longest beard I had ever seen.

At night, I read and reread the handful of books I’d taken with me when I left home, and eventually, out of boredom as much as anything else, I started to write myself. It wasn’t much, at first: character sketches, accounts of my day, parodies of articles in the alumni newsletter. Then, in time, I became more ambitious, and began crafting little stories about my family. I read one of them out loud to the ratcatcher, who’d never laughed at anything but roared at the description of my mother and her puppy. “My mom was just the same,” he said. “I graduated from Brown, and two weeks later she was raising falcons on my top bunk!” The story about my dad defecating in his neighbor’s well pleased my boss so much that he asked for a copy, and sent it to his own father.

This gave me the confidence to continue, and in time I completed an entire book, which was subsequently published. I presented a first edition to my parents, who started with the story about our neighbor’s well, and then got up to close the drapes. Fifty pages later, they were boarding up the door and looking for ways to disguise themselves. Other people had loved my writing, but these two didn’t get it at all. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

My father adjusted his makeshift turban, and sketched a mustache on my mother’s upper lip. “What’s wrong?” he said. “I’ll tell you what’s wrong: you’re killing us.”

“But I thought that’s what you wanted?”

“We did,” my mother wept, “but not this way.”

It hadn’t occurred to me until that moment, but I seemed to have come full circle. What started as a dodge had inadvertently become my life’s work, an irony I never could have appreciated had my extraordinary parents not put me through Princeton.

 

David Sedaris

June 26, 2006

Delivered at a Baccalaureate address delivered at Princeton

by GGFJH | 2007/03/19 18:17 | English | 트랙백 | 덧글(0)
[The New Yorker] In the Waiting Room

The advantages of speaking French

Six months after moving to Paris, I gave up on French school and decided to take the easy way out. All I ever said was “Could you repeat that?” And for what? I rarely understood things the second time around, and when I did it was usually something banal, the speaker wondering how I felt about toast, or telling me that the store would close in twenty minutes. All that work for something that didn’t really matter, and so I began saying, “D’accord,” which translates to “I am in agreement,” and means, basically, “O.K.” The word was a key to a magic door, and every time I said it I felt the thrill of possibility.

D’accord,” I told the concierge, and the next thing I knew I was sewing the eye onto a stuffed animal belonging to her granddaughter. “D’accord,” I said to the dentist, and she sent me to a periodontist, who took some X-rays and called me into his conference room for a little talk. “D’accord,” I said, and a week later I returned to his office, where he sliced my gums from top to bottom and scraped great deposits of plaque from the roots of my teeth. If I’d had any idea that this was going to happen, I’d never have said d’accord to my French publisher, who’d scheduled me the following evening for a television appearance. It was a weekly cultural program, and very popular. I followed the pop star Robbie Williams, and, as the producer settled me into my chair, I ran my tongue over my stitches. It was like having a mouthful of spiders—spooky, but it gave me something to talk about on TV, and for that I was grateful.

I said d’accord to a waiter, and received a pig’s nose standing erect on a bed of tender greens. I said it to a woman in a department store and walked away drenched in cologne. Every day was an adventure.

When I got a kidney stone, I took the Métro to a hospital, and said, “D’accord,” to a cheerful red-headed nurse, who led me to a private room and hooked me up to a Demerol drip. That was undoubtedly the best that d’accord got me, and it was followed by the worst. After the stone had passed, I spoke to a doctor, who filled out an appointment card and told me to return the following Monday, when we would do whatever it was I’d just agreed to. “D’accord,” I said, and then I supersized it with “génial,” which means “great.”

On the day of my appointment, I returned to the hospital, where I signed the register and was led by a slightly less cheerful nurse to a large dressing room. “Strip to your underwear,” she told me, and I said, “D’accord.” As the woman turned to leave, she said something else, and, looking back, I really should have asked her to repeat it, to draw a picture, if that’s what it took, because once you take your pants off d’accord isn’t really O.K. anymore.

There were three doors in the dressing room, and after removing my clothes I put my ear against each one, trying to determine which was the safest for someone in my condition. The first was loud, with lots of ringing telephones, so that was out. The second didn’t sound much different, and so I chose the third, and entered a brightly painted waiting room furnished with plastic chairs and a glass-topped table stacked high with magazines. A potted plant stood in the corner, and beside it was a second door, which was open and led into a hallway.

I took a seat and had been there for a minute or so when a couple came in and filled two of the unoccupied chairs. The first thing I noticed was that they were fully dressed, and nicely, too—no sneakers or sweatsuits for them. The woman wore a nubby gray skirt that fell to her knees and matched the fabric of her husband’s sports coat. Their black hair, which was obviously dyed, formed another match, but looked better on her than it did on him—less vain, I supposed.

Bonjour,” I said, and it occurred to me that possibly the nurse had mentioned something about a robe, perhaps the one that had been hanging in the dressing room. I wanted more than anything to go back and get it, but, if I did, the couple would see my mistake. They’d think I was stupid, so to prove them wrong I decided to remain where I was and pretend that everything was normal. La la la.

It’s funny the things that run through your mind when you’re sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers. Suicide comes up, but, just as you embrace it as a viable option, you remember that you don’t have the proper tools: no belt to wrap around your neck, no pen to drive through your nose or ear and up into your brain. I thought briefly of swallowing my watch, but there was no guarantee I’d choke on it. It’s embarrassing, but, given the way I normally eat, it would probably go down fairly easily, strap and all. A clock might be a challenge, but a Timex the size of a fifty-cent piece, no problem.

The man with the dyed black hair pulled a pair of glasses from his jacket pocket, and as he unfolded them I recalled a summer evening in my parents’ back yard. This was thirty-five years ago, a dinner for my sister Gretchen’s tenth birthday. My father grilled steaks. My mother set the picnic table with insect-repelling candles, and just as we started to eat she caught me chewing a hunk of beef the size of a coin purse. Gorging always set her off, but on this occasion it bothered her more than usual.

“I hope you choke to death,” she said.

I was twelve years old, and paused, thinking, Did I hear her correctly?

“That’s right, piggy, suffocate.”

In that moment, I hoped that I would choke to death. The knot of beef would lodge itself in my throat, and for the rest of her life my mother would feel haunted and responsible. Every time she passed a steak house, or browsed the meat counter of a grocery store, she would think of me and reflect upon what she had said—the words “hope” and “death” in the same sentence. But, of course, I hadn’t choked. Instead, I had lived and grown to adulthood, so that I could sit in this waiting room dressed in nothing but my underpants. La la la.

It was around this time that two more people entered. The woman looked to be in her mid-fifties, and accompanied an elderly man who was, if anything, overdressed: a suit, a sweater, a scarf, and an overcoat, which he removed with great difficulty, every button a challenge. Give it to me, I thought. Over here. But he was deaf to my telepathy, and handed his coat to the woman, who folded it over the back of her chair. Our eyes met for a moment—hers widening as they moved from my face to my chest—and then she picked a magazine off the table and handed it to the elderly man, who I now took to be her father. She then selected a magazine of her own, and as she turned the pages I allowed myself to relax a little. She was just a woman reading a copy of Paris Match, and I was just the person sitting across from her. True, I had no clothes on, but maybe she wouldn’t dwell on that, maybe none of these people would. The old man, the couple with their matching hair: “How was the hospital?” their friends might ask, and they’d answer, “Fine,” or “Oh, you know, the same.”

“Did you see anything fucked up?”

“No, not that I can think of.”

It sometimes helps to remind myself that not everyone is like me. Not everyone writes things down in a notebook, and then transcribes them into a diary. Fewer still will take that diary, clean it up a bit, and read it in front of an audience: “March 14th. Paris. Went with Dad to the hospital, where we sat across from a man in his underpants. They were briefs, not boxers, a little on the gray side, the elastic slack from too many washings. I later said to Father, ‘Other people have to use those chairs, too, you know,’ and he agreed that it was unsanitary.

“Odd little guy, creepy. Hair on his shoulders. Big idiot smile plastered on his face, just sitting there, mumbling to himself.”

How conceited I am to think I might be remembered, especially in a busy hospital where human misery is a matter of course. If any of these people did keep a diary, their day’s entry would likely have to do with a diagnosis, some piece of news either inconvenient or life-altering: the liver’s not a match, the cancer has spread to the spinal column. Compared with that, a man in his underpants is no more remarkable than a dust-covered plant, or the magazine- subscription card lying on the floor beside the table. Then, too, good news or bad, these people would eventually leave the hospital and return to the streets, where any number of things might wipe me from their memory.

Perhaps on their way home they’ll see a dog with a wooden leg, which I saw myself one afternoon. It was a German shepherd, and his prosthesis looked as though it had been made from a billy club. The network of straps holding the leg in place was a real eyeopener, but stranger still was the noise it made against the floor of the subway car, a dull thud that managed to sound both plaintive and forceful at the same time. Then there was the dog’s owner, who looked at his pet and then at me, with an expression reading, “That’s O.K. I took care of it.”

Or maybe they’ll run into something comparatively small yet no less astonishing. I was walking to the bus stop one morning and came upon a well-dressed woman lying on the sidewalk in front of an office-supply store. A small crowd had formed, and just as I joined it a fire truck pulled up. In America, if someone dropped to the ground, you’d call an ambulance, but in France it’s the firemen who do most of the rescuing. There were four of them, and, after checking to see that the woman was O.K., one of them returned to the truck and opened the door. I thought he was looking for an aluminum blanket, the type they use for people in shock, but instead he pulled out a goblet. Anywhere else it would have been a cup, made of paper or plastic, but this was glass, and had a stem. I guess they carry it around in the front seat, next to the axes or whatever.

The fireman filled the goblet with bottled water, and then he handed it to the woman, who was sitting up now and running her hand over her hair, the way one might when waking from a nap. It was the lead story in my diary that night, but, no matter how hard I fiddled with it, I felt something was missing. Had I mentioned that it was autumn? Did the leaves on the sidewalk contribute to my sense of utter delight, or was it just the goblet, and the dignity it bespoke: “Yes, you may be on the ground; yes, this drink may be your last—but let’s do it right, shall we?”

Everyone has his own standards, but, in my opinion, a sight like that is at least fifty times better than what I was providing. A goblet will keep you going for years, while a man in his underpants is good for maybe two days, a week at the most. Unless, of course, you are the man in his underpants, in which case it will probably stay with you for the rest of your life—not on the tip of your mind, not handy like a phone number, but still within easy reach, like a mouthful of steak, or a dog with a wooden leg. How often you’ll think of the cold plastic chair, and of the nurse’s face as she passes the room and discovers you with your hands between your knees. Such surprise, such amusement as she proposes some new adventure, then stands there, waiting for your “d’accord.”

 

David Sedaris

September 18, 2006

by GGFJH | 2007/03/19 16:19 | English | 트랙백 | 덧글(0)


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